Fears And False Steps
by Dragon-Sigma
Summary: If Jim had only paid attention, maybe he'd have realized why Spock didn't want to come down to the planet before he ended up with a trembling Vulcan in his arms.


They're headed to an out-of-the-way planet for a few days for a research project. It's Spock's request, approved by Starfleet after he submitted paper after paper on the importance of studying the planet's lifeforms. As he explained to Jim over one of their nightly chess games, an Andorian survey of the planet had come across some highly unusual animals in the planet's many vast lakes. When Jim presses him for details, he admits that this was only a footnote in a much longer report on microbe activity in the water, mentioning only an as-of-yet unseen sort of symbiosis between the dolphin-like animals and the plants in their environment. Jim smiles and wonders for a moment how he could have fallen for somebody who reads these things in his spare time- and then remembers the chip loaded with engineering journals he's borrowed from Scotty.

And now they're nearly there, and Jim's glad of it. Sulu has been talking about this mission for weeks, and while it seems Chekov can listen to him ramble on about this special type of moss for hours on end, Jim is beginning to get tired of it. Not that he's not interested, or doesn't understand the importance of it- a plant that grows on the skin of freshwater mammals will redefine their understanding of symbiotic species- but he's heard this lecture at least five times by now, and that's enough for anybody.

Finally, they're in orbit, and Jim calls a meeting to prepare for the mission. Sulu's in the side room debating landing areas with a science officer- probably Kouri, by the sound of the voice. He listens to the argument: Sulu wants to beam down to one of the grassy islands, but Kouri thinks the shore would have higher biodiversity. Jim's about to go in and tell them they've got time for both when he realizes Spock's missing from the mission roster.

"Spock, you're not coming down with us?"

Spock looks up from his padd. "I find my attentions would be better directed at the ongoing experiments in the labs."

"But this was your idea!" He's not about to let Spock's sense of responsibility keep him from seeing the planet. "Surely you can spare some time. If it's deadlines you're worried about, I can get them moved-"

"I would be satisfied enough to examine the samples and data collected from the planet on the away team's return." Spock is oddly insistent, but Jim knows how interested he is in this planet, has listened to him talk about it over chess for days, less animated than Sulu but with no less passion. Whatever's keeping him on the ship, it can be changed.

"I'm not letting you miss out on this." He reaches across the table and snags Spock's padd from his hands. A few taps later and he's added Spock to the list next to himself, Sulu, and (for some reason, he doesn't ask) Chekov.

"Captain, I-"

"You can thank me later." Jim grins, and calls out, "Hikaru! Ariel! You worked out a landing spot yet?"

The two emerge from the side room, Sulu with a triumphant glint in his eyes. Kouri looks only slightly annoyed at being overruled. "Yeah! Finally got xir to agree with me. We're going for the island. Ensign Lao called, said she's found a boat in stores."

"A boat?" Jim questions, then decides he's not going to spare the time to wonder why it was there in the first place; he's not one to question the cargo managers, who always seem to have anything that's needed on hand.

"Yup. Simple little rowboat, would fit four of us. Gives us a nice chance to use those weighted sample collectors we picked up on Starbase 4 too. Beam down to the island, row out a bit, dump them overboard, and wait."

Chekov appears in the doorway, carrying two transparent cylindrical devices on cords. "And they have cameras, so we can see what is happening under the water!" he announces. Then, after a comm from Scotty saying he's found a spot to beam them, they're ready.

"Captain-" Spock begins, but Jim's not having any more of this.

"No, you're coming with us. Unless you're sick or something? Is that what's up? You shouldn't be working if you are, we've had this discussion before."

Spock takes a breath that doesn't quite qualify as a sigh. "I am perfectly well."

"Good. Let's get going!" And with a grin echoed by Sulu and Chekov, they're headed to the transporter room.

Lau meets them there, with the Security officer she's roped into carrying the boat. It's a dark green that reminds Jim of the planters his mom used for flowers, and there's fake wood grain on the surface. Probably a toy or something- he figures the texture would grow mold if they weren't careful. Someday, he's going to have to see what else he can find in stores, because he's pretty sure this boat wasn't on the cargo manifest. That would be fun, even if Spock would most likely disapprove of his Captain going on a quest through the storage bays.

Together, Lau and the Security officer maneuver the boat into position on the transporter pad, and join it to beam down.

It takes a while to get them all in the boat and the boat in the water, but eventually they manage it, despite Spock insisting he remain on shore to supervise the experiment.

"C'mon, you don't want to miss this," Jim tells him, and he reluctantly agrees to join them.

~o~

Once they're out on the water, Chekov unpacks two of the anchor scanners and lowers them over the side of the boat, hooking the display screens to the edge. He gets the displays working, and the first thing they see are the odd moss-covered mammalians, nosing at this strange new thing in their environment.

"Earth dolphins are violent little assholes," Sulu remarks, watching the animals.

"But they're the best type: _cute_ violent little assholes!" Jim laughs, leaning out to get a better look.

"Stop that motion!" Spock snaps at the sudden rocking of the little boat. Jim glances back at him.

"Don't worry, this thing's not going anywhere." A thought crosses his mind. "Are you all right?"

"Of course," Spock says, a little too quickly. "There is no cause for alarm."

"Right." The thought floats around for a few more moments, but Jim dismisses it as ridiculous. That can't possibly be the case.

Chekov watches the displays in excitement as more animals approach, making curious circles under the boat. They don't stay long, because apparently visitors from outer space just aren't very exciting, but they do swim around for a bit before they get bored, letting the team get enough pictures and scans to keep the Science team busy for weeks. Spock still seems unusually distracted, to Jim's eye, but he watches the dolphins with interest, suggesting theories on the moss-looking symbiont.

And then they've taken all the pictures they can, and reeled in all their samples, and Chekov and Sulu and Jim are exchanging the same familiar mischievous glance. They've run extensive scans, so they know the water is safe for swimming, no matter how much McCoy grumbled about parasites and viruses.

Jim grins, and abruptly shoves Sulu off the edge of the boat. Sulu's a surfer, and he knows some tricks, so a few moments later he comes up on the other side, reaches up behind Jim, and pulls him under. And it's that motion that finally upsets their little boat. It tips, then rolls over, plunging Chekov and Spock into the water.

Jim emerges, laughing and shaking drops off of his face. A dolphin-creature noses his foot and then darts away. Chekov and Sulu are already paddling around, laughing and teasing. A few moments later, they've already started splashing at each other like little kids, and… where's Spock? There, Jim sees his shape just under the water. He reaches down and hauls Spock up by his arm.

"You okay? It's not that bad out here."

And that's when he knows something's wrong, because Spock is coughing, shivering, shaking in his arms, clutching at him with a ferocity that's likely to drag them both under the surface. Maybe he breathed in some water, it's not like he had much warning before the boat flipped.

"Hey, calm down, it's fine. We're just playing around." Jim reaches out for the edge of the upturned boat, something to support them. But the shaking doesn't stop, and then Jim catches a glimpse of something like _terror_ on Spock's face and suddenly everything is serious.

"Sulu. Get us back to the ship," he orders, all the amusement gone out of his voice.

"I- yes, sir," Sulu says. He calls the ship while Jim turns all his attention to Spock.

"You're safe, we're getting out of here," he says, not knowing if Spock is even listening but at the moment there's really no other way to try and comfort him. He's not even really sure what's going on, what caused this, but right now getting out of the lake and back to somewhere they know is safe seems the best option.

And then they tumble, dripping, onto the transporter pad. Jim finds himself crouched on the floor with Spock, who's curled into his arms, still shaking.

"Sir? Is he all right? Is there something we should do?" Sulu asks, looking at them with concern. Chekov's wearing the same expression, briefly reminding Jim that the guy's not only not a kid anymore, but he's got several younger brothers he helped care for.

"I don't know," Jim says, and then, "We're on the ship, Spock, everything's fine." And maybe Spock calms marginally, but it's hard to tell. Jim doesn't know what else to do, so he just stays there, holding him, running his hands over his back, brushing off what water he can. He's stopped coughing, at least, but his breathing is nowhere near normal.

"Hey. We're back on the ship. You're safe. Can you talk to me?"

"There is… nothing wrong," Spock gasps, which is obviously not true but at least he's talking.

"Shit. This is my fault," Sulu says suddenly. "I shouldn't have-"

"Not the time," Jim interrupts, though not harshly.

A few moments later, McCoy arrives. He snaps at the girl at the transporter controls to stop staring, then turns to Chekov and Sulu. "You've probably got better things to do."

The two look at each other, and then to Jim and Spock, and then hesitantly leave the room.

"Now then. No need to explain what happened; I can guess. Everything's gonna be perfectly fine."

Spock's breathing has evened a little, and he's shaking somewhat less. Jim shifts his arms a bit, making sure he can move away if he wants but not rescinding the contact.

"What should I do?"

"Stop making a fuss about it, for one thing. Get him someplace quiet and then work from there."

"That would be.. agreeable," Spock says. Slowly, he gets to his feet, in a way that makes Jim suspect he's holding himself together through sheer pride and long-practiced control. It occurs to him that they have that in common.

Somehow, they get back to Spock's quarters without meeting many people along the way, and nobody who says anything, although there are a few worried glances. Jim hopes there isn't going to be any gossip about this. There have been problems with gossip before, but by now those responsible should know better.

It's the warmth in Spock's quarters that reminds Jim that they're both still wet from the lake. He's planning on grabbing a few towels from the bathroom when Spock steps away from him.

"If you would leave me to meditate…"

"Oh. Sure." Jim hesitates at this sudden change, but it's probably better to give Spock space if he wants it. "Call me if you need to."

~o~

"Well?" Jim asks, once he's dried off and made his way to McCoy's office., "What happened?"

"I would have thought that would have been obvious by now," McCoy says, looking up from whatever he's reading.

"What do you mean?"

"He's afraid of water, Jim. And frankly, I'm not surprised. It's not as if there were many opportunities for swimming on Vulcan."

The realization hits him, and along with it comes guilt. It should have been so obvious… No wonder Spock had so desperately tried to avoid coming along on the mission. "He's afraid of water. And I dumped him in the lake."

"Yeah, not the smartest thing you've ever done."

"He never said anything! This wasn't in his file..."

"Do you think it would be? Do you think he'd ever admit to something like this?"

"I guess not. Damn. I think I even suspected it at one point." Jim runs a hand through his hair. If he had only realized then, stopped the mission before it got so far, hadn't placed watching dolphins and fucking around with Sulu above his friend's comfort… "But it didn't seem logical."

"That's debatable," McCoy says with a shrug. "Vulcans ain't built for water, so it makes sense there'd be an instinctive aversion to large amounts of it. Logical, on the other hand, well now, that's a matter of culture."

"Still. I had to talk him into coming with us. Didn't really give him a choice. He wanted to stay behind. I should have noticed something was wrong." He thinks of Spock shaking, how all that fear wouldn't have happened if he'd paid attention.

"Well, you didn't. And it's no use blaming yourself now."

"I wouldn't have put him on the boat if he'd just told me he didn't want to!"

"Weren't you just listening? He wouldn't have said anything. Do you realize how shameful this sort of thing is for a Vulcan? Never mind that it's perfectly natural."

Jim sighs. "I'll have to talk to him."

"Good luck with that," McCoy snorts. "If you can get him to say anything, it'll be a miracle. Now leave me to finish this and go work out your issues."

~o~

"I'm sorry," Jim says when he steps into Spock's quarters later that day. "I shouldn't have forced you to come."

Spock is working on something at his desk, and there's a mug of tea by his hand, still steaming. The temperature in the room is set even higher than usual; Jim briefly considers pulling his shirt off before he decides he doesn't want to be lewd.

"The final decision was mine," Spock says quietly, not looking away from his work.

"After I cornered you into it." Jim sits on the edge of the bed, taking up as little space as he can. It would be unfair to be intrusive now.

"You had no way of knowing that I would… react," Spock says, and that last word is strained, a confession.

"Doesn't matter. I should have listened to you."

"Your apology is accepted," Spock says, all business-like again.

 _But that_ _'_ _s not the end of the matter_ , Jim thinks. Not with his friend's tension and embarrassment still obvious. A few moments pass, silent, before Spock speaks again.

"It is… unbecoming of a Vulcan to show such irrational fear."

"Nobody's judging you. They're just worried about you." If he'd just stop holding himself to these impossible standards, if he could see how much pain they were causing him… "Look, if you saw that happen to any of us, would you think we're less? Would you think I'm weak, or something like that?"

"Absolutely not," is Spock's immediate response. Jim smiles. "Nobody's judging you," he repeats. "If anything, they'll see you as more human."

"More human," Spock repeats, voice gone cold.

 _Shit_. "That's not what I meant!" Jim wishes he could backtrack, wishes he could have said _anything_ else…

"And this is what you value in me." Spock is the closest to angry Jim's heard him in months.

"No! That's not the point!" There must be some way he can fix the mess he's made of this conversation.

"You believe they would _appreciate_ seeing me… seeing my weaknesses, because it is a point of similarity? Because you value _relating_ to people, and you cannot relate to someone not of your species, so you search for ways to see yourself in me?"

"No! I mean, that's not… Look, trying to find connections is something a lot of species do. It doesn't mean anyone'll see you as less Vulcan." Jim groans, trying to find the right words to continue. "I fucked that up. All I'm trying to say is that this isn't a problem, and if you just want to forget about it, we can stop talking about it. Not that I'm saying we have to. Ugh. I should just shut up now."

He glances at Spock and can't read his expression at all.

"Spock?" he tries, tentatively.

There is a moment of tense silence between them, and Jim wonders just how badly he's screwed this up.

Eventually, Spock breaks the silence. "Have the remainder of the research missions been organized?"

Jim takes the change of topic as a tacit agreement that they should drop the subject. He tries not to feel relieved, or worried. In many ways, communication between them has gotten a lot easier, but sometimes it's still difficult. Times like these, when tricky things like guilt and shame hold them back, these are the worst. He'll find some way to make this up to Spock eventually.

"Unless there's any changes, I think the rosters are all arranged. Sulu says Kouri's going to join them tomorrow, check out the shore life." He decides to risk adding: "If you don't want to come down next time, you don't have to. Or you can stay on the shore. Whatever's best."

"I would be interested to continue to study the planet. From a stable vantage point."

"Stable. I think we can manage that." And this time, he'll listen.


End file.
